@tdwyer618

“Dad, why did Jesus have to die on the cross?”

“He didn’t do his 1st grade homework.”

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@va_cc11

Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.

@HeatherAntos

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

@CHofferCBus

My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.

Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.

Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.

Me: I did not.

Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.

Me: I’m not feeding you.

Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.

@callmeEvian

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

@sarcasticmommy4

My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.

@HenpeckedHal

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

@mattgallo123

Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

@ArfMeasures

Me: Did you cheat?

Wife: Haha yes, what about you?

Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?

Wife: Had sex with Dave

@Darlainky

Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.