Welcome to your 40s.
Why did I come into this room?
“Dad, why did Jesus have to die on the cross?”
“He didn’t do his 1st grade homework.”
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Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords
How about your kid?
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.