Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
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Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what