Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
You Might Also Like
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Love is in the air fryer.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen