Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.

Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.

I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.

Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.

“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not

moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?

Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*

*listening to a Dateline podcast

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home

Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much

Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?

When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.

Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.

She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.

Muppet Screams