Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.

why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)

Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.

Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.

me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted

my house: what’s this about extra money?

I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?

passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.

I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.

I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂

Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing

Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭

*puts lips to microphone*

Microphone: I have a headache

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?

[first day as producer]

superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME

me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*

My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.

toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”

Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..

Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill

Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.

Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”

instagram: look at my new boyfriend

twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend

reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours

It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”