Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
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College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”