Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I have toddler-like reflexes.”

“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”

*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*

“No.”

Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.

Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.

husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado

me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend

husband:

“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.

If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: heavy-handed product placement

professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good

I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you

The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.

My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process

If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.

I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.

My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.

The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no

this is uni

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island

I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…

Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”

5 “Trying to pull it out.”

Me “That’s going to hurt.”

5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”

For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.

so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”

big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.