Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
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My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
opening twitter today
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Cat.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.