Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
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I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
incredible
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber