dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
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If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.