Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating

[First day as an exterminator]

Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.

Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD

Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.

I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined

am i feeling hopeful about the future?

Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96

School supply list: box of 18 crayons

Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over

If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.

<at first day of t-ball practice>

Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.

in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me

Wait a minute…

Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.

I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

Uglier.

Angel: But, sir…

I SAID UGLIER!

– God inventing cycling outfits.

You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.

The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’

An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination

My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.