Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.

Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs

Vampire: I can bite you…

Me: Sweet!

Vampire: … and give you eternal life!

Me: Stop threatening me!

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.

My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨

*solves baby formula supply chain issues*

i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight

Each second of this is more amazing than the last

muhammad ali: float like a butterfly

jellyfish: done

muhammad ali: sting like a bee

jellyfish: i am nailing this

put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about

You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.

Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.

R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote

I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.

The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.