“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
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I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
How dude HOW?!
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.