Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!

*pulls up at the vet’s*

Dog: hey, wait a minute…

“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”

Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.

me: will you please pass the bee barf?

wife: please stop calling the honey that.

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.

Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.

“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”

-my daughter describing her video game

[Eating canned soup]

OMG I love sodium.

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”

Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around

The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.

Me: inside me there are two wolves

Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

[having house guests]

Me: omg I need to CLEANNN

[30 minutes later]

Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME

*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets

Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?

Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.

The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.

It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.