Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.

If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.

#WhenIMisspelled ya know.

Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force

Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.

A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.

He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

Mobster: we need to set up a shell company

Lobster: let me handle this, boss

LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.

DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.

Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.

Every damn time

My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.

The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea

My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.

[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.

why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?

just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.

The 4 stages after getting dumped…

1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around

Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now

wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost

marriage counselor: what. where is he

wife: he’s probably trying to come in…

[sound of someone running straight into the door]

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.