Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.

My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?

[solicitor reading my will]

“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],

He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.

me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

[interview]

What is your biggest weakness?

“Sometimes I’m too succinct”

Can you give an example?

“Yes”

It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.

ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.

Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?

Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee

My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.

Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.

I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda

The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.

If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.

I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…

Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.

Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…

Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view

If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face

My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.

Sadly, I got sausages.

I can’t think of a wurst problem!

#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker