Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested

Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good

When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet

[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”

What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.

Black Mirror S05E01

January 20, 2021:

[fade in on TV set]

President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.

[cut to]

Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you