Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle

bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?

me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting

Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.

thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box

So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.

But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”

Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.

its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.

My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.

*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”

My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch

is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work

If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut

This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?

Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”

WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.