DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
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Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
This is Sparta
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.