Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.

[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.

Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?

TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)

Therapist: Go on

TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!

Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…

Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

ME: for like important stuff i guess

CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs

ME: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

ME: she did what

came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.

Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]

I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years

A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.

Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.

A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.

The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit

Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.

I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?

Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.

They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.

Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“

Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.