DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
You Might Also Like
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Well, that didn’t work.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!