Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.

Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

Me: preferably over some type of heat source

Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.

*NEW*

For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.

PUNderwear ®

Comfort is No Laughing Matter™

That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.

Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $1,600.

Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.

@funTweeters I am at your service….

#NeverForget

Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?

Me: I need to find my people

Him: You have a family, we are your people

Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like

man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement

Driving in Europe vs Canada

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise

prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this

If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.

Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered

Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?

me: I need to see the doctor

receptionist: ok, name?

me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair

For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.

going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason

Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.