Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
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The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Covid like
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Body by Oreos
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.