“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
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white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait