“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
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“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?