@Reverend_Scott

DAD: Your mother and I love you very much, and I’m not sure how to tell you this, but… you’re adopted.

DOG: OMG THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE

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@BrandonVine

I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.

@underalls

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

@moron_online

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes

@overdesigned

When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like

@momtransparent1

“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

@LuckoftheDraw86

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

@Sheila_Mac420

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around it’s neck.

@Epygma

“Do you want to go out on a date?”
*sweats nervously*
I C-CAN’T
“Why?”
*shoots friend next to him*
I HAVE TO GO TO A FRIEND’S FUNERAL

@tealbluejay

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.