As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
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[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
welp
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?