I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
DAD: Your mother and I love you very much, and I’m not sure how to tell you this, but… you’re adopted.
DOG: OMG THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE
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Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around it’s neck.
“Do you want to go out on a date?”
*shoots friend next to him*
I HAVE TO GO TO A FRIEND’S FUNERAL
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.