Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp

me: can I get a job application

mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience

me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these

‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving

What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?

Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?

7yo: Not me.

Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.

7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…

There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.

Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.

[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?

*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.

Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it

Brain: This makes sense right now

Body: We’re on board

Pavement: Come at me bro

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.

if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?

Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.

Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.

Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.

Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you

Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.

I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.

Me: you should join Twitter.

Them: I don’t even like people.

Me: then you’re gonna love it.

To the person that stole my glasses.

I will find you, I have contacts.

No you shut up 😂🥳

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay