Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red

me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers

If you love someone, let them sleep.

[tightening roller skates]

“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”

It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever

VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.

imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”

*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!

Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.

Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶

Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind

One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero

“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”

-My 4yo inventing orange soda

“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”

-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks

TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON

Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.

I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.

impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks

[at the pool]

4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?

Me: so nobody steals it

4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.

Me: most thieves dress like regular people

4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white

On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.

Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!