dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
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Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.