dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
You Might Also Like
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Every time.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”