Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread

Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison

If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.

With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival

No one comes over anymore :/

Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat

“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.

Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!

Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.

Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.

Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.

a load-bearing bit among my friends came from a guy on the periphery who came to a party, walked outside where we were talking, and said “moon looks great tonight.” everyone agreed, went back to talking. upon a lull he said “speaking of the moon, i made the nasa website” 😂

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.

Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions

After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.

We never “welcomed” a baby into our family. We just kind of brought them home and tickled them every now and then.

Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no

Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet

My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.

Muppet Screams

Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king

Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.

I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.

Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire

BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*

ME: perfect, thanks

BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*

VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great

A friend sent me this.

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.

Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all

People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.

nurse: time of death

doctor: 4:19—

[i take one last breath]

doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot