“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
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Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
scared to check what name she chose
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me