“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
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[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I鈥檓 gonna make it angry
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren鈥檛 keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you鈥檙e colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you鈥檙e going to obliterate the vibe.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 馃槵
Host: What now? 馃え
Me *bids farewell*
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can鈥檛 reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What鈥檚 the good news?
DOCTOR: You鈥檝e reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That鈥檚 normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 馃檪
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 馃檪
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 馃檪
date: wait what the hell
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Why didn鈥檛 they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
You鈥檙e telling me I鈥檓 paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I鈥檓 feeling sick
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
馃樉
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog