“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
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if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library