Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*

[cries for 20 minutes]

I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.

Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.

Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.

First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.

Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.

Stands at the gates of hell.

Waves to my mother in law.

Leaves.

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.

I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.

When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie

Me: Babe, I got carded today!

Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.

Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back

My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.

On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?

Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.

Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight