“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
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4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.