Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
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Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
my lower back watching me try to live my life
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman