Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow

Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.

Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.

We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.

She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD

LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged

[Texting]

My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike

Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast

Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji

Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.

Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.

Husband: *choking on a Dorito*

Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?

I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.

“Emergency Defibrillator”

As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?

I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.

“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”

see next tweet for some translations

Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.

My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?

ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off

why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake

[Frat party]

Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-

CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.

excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver