Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?

Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.

returning to work after a holiday weekend like

I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.

OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/

Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.

I can see how that would be whiskey.

Do you have to wine about it though?

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.

I’m more “fermented”.

My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole

I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands

I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.

When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.

New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.

It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.

Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.

me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.

guy: where is our regular priest

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?

Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)

It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,

Dear Kids,

“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect