Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
You Might Also Like
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Florida be like…
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,