Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.

So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.

BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom

ME: uh yes, actually, I have

BULLY: Damn

ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone

Teacher: Name the continents

Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…

T: Go on

Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?

T: *sigh*

Me: South Arctica?

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.

guys i’ve cracked the code

HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊

[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG

if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”

~Me passing out candy on Halloween

Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷‍♂️😆🤷‍♂️😆

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird

don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit

[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars

Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

😂

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.

It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying

My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.

I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.

JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.

GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.