Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
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“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁