Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”

Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”

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Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire


When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.


*scientist finishes bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal and begins drinking the milk*

“Wait just one damn minute”

– How horchata was born


9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again


It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.


*gets saltwater fish tank

*fills it with plastic bags, soda bottles and garbage

staring intently from couch: Ahhhhh, the ocean


Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?

Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*


Wife just changed her Facebook status to “It’s complicated.” Better go see what she wants.