Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
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When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
*scientist finishes bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal and begins drinking the milk*
“Wait just one damn minute”
– How horchata was born
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
*gets saltwater fish tank
*fills it with plastic bags, soda bottles and garbage
staring intently from couch: Ahhhhh, the ocean
You’d better czechoslovakia before you wreckyoslovakia.
Except you, cauliflower, you have to pretend to be other food.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Wife just changed her Facebook status to “It’s complicated.” Better go see what she wants.