Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
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Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
*Discussing the school nativity play*
Me: Who’s Mary?
7: She’s Jesus’s mum.
Me: Yes, who’s playing her.
7: Dunno.
Me: Who’s Joseph?
7: He’s Mary’s husband.
Me:
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*