Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit

At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*

Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.

The wife and I just got divorced.

We split the house………I got the outside.

[news anchor]

“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”

*wife changes channel*

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

Me: *opens a package*

5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!

Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.

5:

Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.

Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.

Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.

Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis: