“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
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Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine