“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
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My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.