“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
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When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.