“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
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when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
🤣
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?