“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
You Might Also Like
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
mathematicians be like “the limit does not exist” ok nerd then how come I’m at mine
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Awwwww shit.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.