“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
You Might Also Like
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
I hope they boil the right one.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China