Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.

Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN

Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*

Me serving decaf

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

I have questions??

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog

Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather

[Earlier]

Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies

First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes

Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow

How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?

Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.

Me: *in the dentist chair*

Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.

Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?

10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”

Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.

Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.

[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.

Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.

Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home

Brownies: you lied

There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.

Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.

And they’re almost the same age.