Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.

Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?

“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”

If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.

*Scrolls TL*

Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!

*sips juicebox*

Why? Just why? 😂

“Does this look infected?”

*points to the entire world*

My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.

[carnival]

me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised

Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?

Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.

No one:

Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”

Walk of shame

Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”

Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.

Me: *buys anything at the store*

Wife: Was it on sale?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use a coupon?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use your discount card?

Me: Oops.

Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.