“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
You Might Also Like
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.