Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.

“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island

#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor

HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry

my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that

me: not today santa

With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter

Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.

I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”

If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.

[commercial for kids]

woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!

narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?

“Do you have any children?”

Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”

[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..

You know when you’re starving, and your buddy starts looking like a succulent roasted chicken? Everyone has experienced this. Well It would be cool if when you were really full, a roast chicken started to look like a little 5 lb man

[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe

Bus driver: I really don’t care

{concert}

lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC

I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court

occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt

me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.