“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
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looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Guys which shade of gery should I get
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar