Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.

i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue

Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.

Me: And her parents are OK with this?

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will

today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house

Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.

“i am a sweet baby”

Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?

Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL

12: What’s in cocktail sauce?

Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.

12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.

*trying to remember something*

brain: put your hands on hips

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.

Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.

Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.

Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.

The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping

girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??

When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

You’re welcome.

Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.

Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”

My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

*walks into a room full of people*

*looks around*

*answers fake phone call*

*leaves*

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?