“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
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First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
Well, that didn’t work.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
mission: save the cat
obstacles: the cat
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Women: When
are you leaving?Men: In the morning.
W: Yeah but what time.
M: Morningtime.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.