“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
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If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Headlines With Threatening Auras.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?