Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

“I enjoy long walks…”

-Zombies

Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*

An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole

We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

a lot to unpack here

Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

Alexa turn off the planet

Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?

My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!

I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’

Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression

Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-

Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?

[fancy restaurant]

me: this has a fine oaky taste

sommelier: sir is eating the cork

Me: *finishes up dinner date*

Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful

Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one

Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.

Whiskey: Yes you can.

ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]

GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-

Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.

As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.