Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg

-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.

so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.

just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”

I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it

You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice

Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean

*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*

I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.

If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.

It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.

Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.

The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence

Me checking my bank balance online.

My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.

People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.

Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this

Therapist: actually you absolutely are

Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.

We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*

Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.

married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!

Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…

My kid: So have you!

Me: There it is