“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
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Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Made something I’m not proud of
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
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[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent