Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
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Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Have a lovely day 😊
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.