Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”