Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
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I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
you have three unread messages
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading