Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
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Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”