Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
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WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”