Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler

*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?

Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?

—God, creating toddlers

Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?

My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis

Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car

There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving

*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?

“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account

i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite

I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.

Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.

Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.

Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir

Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.

ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right

1. make him chicken soup

2. tuck him in with the remote

3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him