Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
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Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
For the orator and chef in all of us
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*