Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
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I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
The human personality is made of five key elements
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.