Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.

Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”

So now I have a tombstone to select

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change

Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.

Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.

Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*

Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.

“I wouldn’t.”

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”

Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.

If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.

Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.

Her: Have we been to that restaurant?

Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.

Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.

My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours

This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.

Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.

Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”

My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.