“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
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Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
My first child will be named New Folder.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”