Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”

For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.

me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.

Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still

Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.

Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.

[commercial for toilets]

°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°

There’s got to be a better way

My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.

I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia

Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.

You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭

KID: daddy how are idiots made

ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…

My libido: please have sex

My social anxiety: by yourself

“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”

The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.

KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY

ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it

Commits all the murders so I can be most wanted by somebody.

This could have been an email.

— me, while attending a wedding ceremony

My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.