Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”

Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?

Me: Chloroform

*weighs self*

“Shit”

*takes clothes off*

“GODDAMMIT”

*takes tampon out*

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby

Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?

Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho

Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with

What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here

[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]

NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We’re having leftover pizza.

I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you’re not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]

me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope

executioner: how are you talking

As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled

Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.

By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies

It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this

Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being

ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.