“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
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Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
I need to sieze this.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I had a 77 Datsun pickup. I came out of the mall and drove home in the wrong 77 Datsun pickup. The key worked.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs