“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
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GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.